Here I am.

My last day of being 24. Time to reflect upon the past 25 years of my life.

I have always been a thinker. When I was 5, going to Playscheme (a summer activity thing for children to give their parents a rest!) I seldom wanted to join in with the other children, but rather do something myself and think. I felt that all the games they played were so silly...why all this competing? Why football? What's the point? I liked to make things. Give me a roll of selotape, some toilet roll tubes, some felt tip pens and some card, and I could entertain myself for hours. I found it difficult at times to stay out of things, because the leaders all wanted everyone to participate. But I didn't want to-I wanted to pursue my own thinking and activities.

I also remember well how, when I was young and in Youth Club, all the other children would be playing games and running about, and I would go out into the cold porch to sit and think, watching the traffic go past outside. Really, that porch was 'out-of-bounds', but I was allowed in there to think because the leaders knew what I was like. I remember thinking in those times about life, about where things came from, about why I was here and how there was ever anything. In my 8-year-old mind, I knew that there was no way of explaining it all, except by believing in God.

I remember even in secondary school I was the same, particularly as at times I had very few friends to hang around with. There was a metal grating over a vent in the changing pavilion, and it doubled up as a seat for me. From there. I could sit, usually with a pretty numb bum as it was cold, and watch the other young people play. I used to like to watch others enjoying themselves, I could be happy that they were happy, and not need to be happy myself. I used to think then about the many mistakes I made, how my emotions and immaturity so often got in the way of happiness and friendship, especially when other people my age were then so immature themselves.

So many memories, even for someone with a memory as bad as mine can be. Most of my childhood was spent in thought, and a lot of it in solitude, or with just one or two companions. I sometimes think I did my whole life's quota of thinking then. Reading too. I used to read so much. The stories I read had a great effect on the way I think. I loved Enid Blyton, especially the short stories and the Adventure series. (I didn't like the Famous Five or Secret Seven-too many other people liked them and I scoffed at popularity). It was funny-I never wanted to be popular. I never wanted to be with the 'in crowd'-I liked to be independent, to do what I liked, to say what I felt, to not be lead by others but to choose my own way.

I remember Mum telling me, "They are all the mares, and you are the stallion running out ahead". I don't think any of them followed me, but I was pretty much a lone ranger. I had one 'good' friend through most of my school years-a few others I would spend time with now and then but not so much. Me and that 'friend' shared everything, until he dropped me like a hot brick at the age of 16-leaving no explanation as to his reasons for his departure from my life. 2000-2001 were life changing years for me really...SO much happened that woke me up and forced me to leave my pretty stable, if a little lonely, child-life behind.

2000 was the year when everything went rapidly uphill, then rapidly downhill. Things remained rocky throughout 2001 too, as I struggled to deal with many aspects of my intense personality, and found out more about myself and others. But through those experiences, through all the crazy things that happened, I was introduced to God. That is when things began to change. And change they did.

I was slowly guided towards God through the summer in 2001, by a friend I met then. I believe he was not a Christian, but he thought he was. His mother was one, and she also shared the Good News with me. I went to Church once with them, and felt strangely at peace there. I remember feeling rather emotional, I remember respecting their beliefs, I remember wondering. It was an eye-opening experience for me. I was beginning to accept, but it was the start of a long, long journey.

I still had my own ideas you see. I still wanted to do things my way-and really, you just can't do that as a Christian (as I have found out again recently-my trip back home for this birthday was simply not meant to be!) So I went and made perhaps the biggest mistake of my life in 2002, even though, at the time, I was just starting to get to know God better. However, that mistake was a turning point in my life. I know that if I had not done that, I would not have found the calling to China that I have. I would not have gone to University at Glamorgan. My life would be totally and utterly different. God had His plans for me, and that mistake became a stepping stone to get there.

Finally, in 2003, I gave my life to Christ and got baptised. I decided to give up my own selfish desires (a daily struggle-you don't just 'die to self' once, but repeatedly, every moment of every day you must do it) and do my best to follow the Truth. I have not looked back. I have made mistakes. I make mistakes. I will make mistakes. But there is now God's grace in my life. His Spirit is within me. His power sustains me. I have not wanted for anything I have needed since I became Christian. He has provided for me in the most amazing ways.

Words really cannot describe what the journey through life with Christ is compared to the journey without Him. I see others now, floundering in darkness, and understand, and know, I was there once. I cannot claim to know it all, nor even where I am going now (although I am seeking His Will), but I know that I am safe in Him. I am secure in Him. He has me under His wing, and there, forever more, I shall remain. He has helped me get over my past. Come out of my shell. Stop hating myself and others. Through Him, I have been given the capacity to love, love more and love even more. I have been able to blossom in Christ, rather than choke under the weeds I was chocking under before. I have found strength in my weakness, as Christ is my strength. No longer to I have to be a lone ranger. Even when I am alone, I am not, as He is with me, and His promise is to never leave me or forsake me.

I know that even the best of friends (and family) here on Earth will let you down at times. They will hurt you, leave you, and some even do forsake you. This is so hard for me, my intensity means that at times I do not like space, I like to work things out. But God has helped me to understand how others are seldom like me in this respect...and with God I can feel safe being as intense as I like! He never ignores me, never leaves my side-not even for a moment. That kind of security I have never had before. That kind of security makes me know, I can get through anything with Him. And my needs will be met.

So I want to publicly reaffirm my commitment to God as I turn 25. I have been a Christian now for just over 6 years, and will readily admit that I would not be who I am now without Jesus in my life. I would be a shadow of who I am. Through God, all things have become possible for me. I don't need to worry, I don't have limitations set on me, I am free. Saved. Freedom and salvation are the costliest things-I have given my life to Him for them. But they are the most valuable things in the whole world. I want to do God's Will in my life, and I want to spend eternity with Him afterwards. That is my desire. I can trust Him. Completely. I know that nothing here is done in vain, when it is done for Him.

Here's to a life well lived-a life lived in Christ! I pray that I never forget my first love-Jesus.

M@

 What I was told in 2005:

"Isaiah 62v3. God has a great calling for you, and He has called you to run ahead of the pack and win great victories. You will be an Olympic runner, victorious. Never give up on My love. The enemy will tell you that it's all futile, and that you've lost, but you Matthew are a mighty warrior, full of strength and power and honour, and you shall throw him down by the blood of the Lamb and the word of your testimony-Rev 12v10-13. He loves you-"he is Mine"-Song of Songs 2v16. I feel that God is saying to you that He loves you so much and will set you free from all that binds you. Hebrews 12v1-5 says that you are a man of integrity, and shine out from the crowd, and He will reward you for your faithfulness, because you refused to bow down to the idol-peer pressure, He will rescue you from the flames Daniel Ch3, Romans 12v2. You are My son, today I have become your Father. Psalm 2v7. 1 John 4v18-There is no fear in love but perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. Trust God and He'll give you all the strength you need. I often feel weak as well, but His grace is sufficient for us and His power is made perfect in our weakness. 2 Corinthians 12v9 "And my God will meet all your needs according to His glorious riches in Christ Jesus"-Philippians 4v19."